My name is Joe Exotic and I’m here today to pronounce my love to you. I know it’s unusual for someone to have as many husbands as i do, but it is because I have so much goddamn love to go around that I can’t give it all to one man. That is why I, Joe Exotic, need so many husbands. I’m sure y’all all know I’m a bit of an intense lover. If there weren’t any cameras here I’d show you my prince albert to prove it. Kids, if you don’t know what that is just ask your mom and dad they’ll tell ya. I am so excited that I get to share the next part of my life with you. I have prepared a few words to read to express my love and my uh, my gratitude to you. Hold on, can someone cut that part of the audio? I stuttered a little and fucked up my lines just leave that part out when you post it online. [Joe clears throat.] I have prepared a few words to read to express my love and gratitude to you.
I promise to always stand by your side while we fight back against this cruel world. We will fight together hand in hand, no matter what. Especially when we’re fightin’ that bitch Carole Baskin.
Baby, I love you more than I hate these goddamn animal rights activists that are always trying to close the zoo.
I promise that I will always be honest with you because you deserve that. Relationships are built on trust and honesty is very important. A reminder to any of you youths watching this on JoeExoticTv, Honesty is very important and be nice to your mom. That’s a Joe Exotic life lesson.
I may be a kinky, limping bastard and broke as shit, but as long I have you, I know that I can overcome anything. Someday baby, you and me will be sitting on golden thrones in our mansion surrounded by tigers and big black men who like it when I say the N word. [Joe takes a moment and licks his lips sensually, drooling a little on his shirt.]
I would like to take a moment and sing a little song I prepared just for this. I would sing one of my many classic songs, but that bitch Carole Baskin is trying to take the rights of my music away so she can get the profits as “remuneration,” whatever the hell that.
If you were wondering why it sounds similar to that song from a Star is Born that’s cuz it’s based off it, but I changed enough words that it is a legally distinct derivative work of art and nobody, not even goddamn Carole Baskin can sue me for it. Alright here goes nothin.
[To the tune of Always Remember Us This Way]That Oklahoma sky
Shining in your eyes
You touched me babe and
I swear my heart was set on fire
It’s a buried in my soul
Like California gold
You found a light in me
That tigers couldn’t find
When I’m all choked up and I can’t find the words
So instead I sing a song so that im heard
When the sun goes down, and my songs won’t play
At least you and me will still be gay
Thank you everyone so much for coming, I am so happy to have another husband and spread more love in the world, but before I can spread some love I gotta spread his legs first! Goodnight everyone!
Written by: Bernard Dent II